Hello Silvia, thanks for this space. I would like to know if there is any common characteristic in all relationships that do work well and have the possibility of lasting over time…
Thank you very much for this question! I’m lovin ‘it. The truth is, just as there are elements that help us predict that a relationship will fail, when we analyze the relationships that do work, we realize that there are also some ingredients that are present in all of them.
Of course I could list many of them, we have all heard about the importance of communication, respect, sexuality or admiration. But I want to go a little further and show you three aspects that I think encompass all the others and are the ones that we should take into account the most.
I advise you to carefully analyze your current relationship, if you have one, or your past relationships (this is how we learn) and ask yourself if these three are part of your love bond or not.
1) Friendship and intimacy
If your relationship is healthy and allows you to grow hand in hand, it is because there is a real friendship between you. This means that you really know each other, that you know the strengths and the most vulnerable parts of your partner, that you know well what they fear, what they long for and what they value most. It means that there is mutual respect for who she is and how the other person is, that you do not try to change or mold her to your whim. You admire her precisely for being like that and although you know well what you don’t like, you accept it with love and hug it like someone who hugs a child who is afraid or doesn’t know how to manage something. And from there is also born the desire and desire to share moments of intimacy. The desire to grow and improve.
2) Make conflict constructive
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. As good as we are, there will be times when it will appear. In fact, in the relationships in which it does not appear, that ends up being a very clear sign that something is not going well in that relationship. We must also be able to communicate when we disagree, when we don’t like something or when it hurts. Communicate it without fear of what is going to happen because, after all, we are talking about expressing our feelings and emotions. It is important and necessary for the other person to understand what is happening in our inner world and if there has been a wound, give them the opportunity to help us heal it.
Conflicts do not have to be a power struggle or a battle to prove to the other that they are wrong and that we are right. In the couple relationship there should be no fights or battles. We must remember that we are on the same side and that if we confront each other, other added problems will soon appear that will make the situation worse.
When we manage to get closer in a conflict, we are building bridges and that makes it much easier for us to understand each other, respect each other and connect with compassion towards our partner. Essential ingredients for a relationship to grow and become stronger.
3) Walk hand in hand
It is also very important that in the couple relationship, we connect with the certainty that we are going in the same direction. That we are heading towards common goals that excite and motivate us equally. When you know your partner well, you know what their dreams are, what causes them anguish, what they fear the most and what they are dying to live.
In what you pursue, you need to feel that you go hand in hand. Some dreams may be more than one but even so, may it make you happy to accompany the other while he or she accompanies you towards yours, may you be excited to see him happy and make you happy too.
Other dreams will belong to both of you and it is important that you put the same energy, the same effort, the same desire into them so that you do not feel that you are pulling alone.
When we find this balance in the relationship, everything will be easy, everything will make sense and everything will pay off. That does not mean that we are not going to experience more complex situations to solve, but we will do it hand in hand, feeling the harmony of who we know is in the right place and with the right person. This is how it should be for the duration of the relationship. That’s right, relationships that last and are healthy.
In short, developing a feeling of going in the same direction, of sharing the other’s dreams and feeling that the other also shares mine, feeling that we have common goals…
– Silvia Congost is an expert psychologist and a national reference in self-esteem, emotional dependency and toxic relationships, speaker, author of 9 books, and an inspirational leader in social networks and media. He has 20 years of professional experience in the psychology sector and has centers in Barcelona, Girona and Madrid, in addition to conducting online therapy with patients from all over the world, where together with his team he has helped thousands of people to strengthen their self-esteem , free themselves from toxic relationships and bet on the life they really dream of thanks to their own exclusive method.